Secrets of Great Marriages by Charlie Bloom

Author:Charlie Bloom
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781577316794
Publisher: New World Library

The best way to avoid divorce

is to have a no-fault marriage

SIDRA: When our connection is temporarily interrupted, we each must take responsibility for restoring it, rather than blaming the other person for the break or trying to get him or her to repair it. The basic premise of what we call a “no-fault” relationship is that each of us is accountable for our role. This is quite different from being responsible for the relationship. Among other things, we are required to feel the pain of the separation when it happens—to experience our own vulnerability—and to share this with the other. Often Hal is better able to start this conversation than I am, even though I, too, feel the intense pain of the separation. I am grateful that he can do this and does not keep track of whose turn it is to identify the disconnection.

HAL: Another situation occurred when we gave our attention to Sidra’s children or grandchildren for a prolonged period of time. I would at first feel a vague sense of general upset. Then I would become judgmental of Sidra, assessing her as neglectful or selfish. Then if I stayed with my feeling, I would notice that there was jealousy underneath the judgments. Once it became clear to me that jealousy was an indicator that I wanted a better connection with Sidra, I was able to express my feelings and desires without making her or myself seem wrong, and we could recommit to our connection. But I had to get to the point where I was able to actually recognize what I was feeling and to express my needs and intention in a responsible way.

SIDRA: Sometimes I would sense that Hal was attracted to another woman, and the connection to her was getting stronger than was comfortable for me. During these times, I needed to be aware of my own vulnerability and to bring it into my connection with Hal without making him responsible for meeting my needs. My vulnerability is usually directly beneath my judgment. This isn’t always a pretty picture, and often I pass through a fair amount of anger and judgment before getting to the vulnerability. Sometimes it was evident that the woman represented one of my disowned selves, or that she carried a self that was disowned by both Hal and me that needed to be better integrated into our lives. Invariably, the attraction pointed to a lack of balance—a lesson for me, or for us, to learn.

HAL: When I was younger, I lived much more in my head than in my heart or soul. Sidra has helped me find my heart, and our relationship has been my recent spiritual path. Both heart and spirit are now more fully integrated into my being, and I am no longer dependent on her, or the relationship, to bring those parts of myself into my life experience. I now own them and carry them myself.

SIDRA: I’ve always known that relationship is my spiritual path. The spiritual energy inherent in a deep personal connection has always been apparent to me.

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